I need sleep. A whole night of the stuff.
Unless you live in a cave you know that when you become a Mum there are going to be days like this. Days where the night wakes and hours lost to rocking and "shh-patting" accumulate. Days when you morning coffee doesn't even touch the sides. Days when, on account of the tiredness, that tiny thing that happened yesterday, so tiny it wouldn't of even registered with you emotionally pre-baby, is replaying and replaying in your head. Days when tears are really close to the surface. Days when domestic mess pisses me off way more than usual but I have no where near the adequate motivation to remedy it.
I'm having one of those days. I'm having one of those days and then on the morning of it in a frantic nappy change episode I stood in poo. That's right. I squashed a small, perfectly formed and firm (on account of the recent weaning induced constipation) TURD between my big and second toe. Spectacular.
The other week I tried to write away the negativity. Today I am trying a different approach. Today I want to write myself in to positive thinking.
So here I am in the throws of tiredness, tears and turds. All consumed, feeling sorry for myself and lost perspective. Will she EVER sleep through again? What am I doing wrong? Am I a terrible parent? Have I managed her night wakes terribly and "made a rod for my own back"?
Get a grip. Change perspective. It's all about my mindset. I am JUST tired. Must take myself with a pinch of salt. Once I have anti-baced the poo smears from her bedroom carpet it will make a funny story. She WILL sleep through again. Remember EVERYTHING is a phase.
Repeat the above until it feels true.
Days like this are good. I learn on days like this. Days like this test my patience, my sense of humour and my energy levels. Days like this make me feel like a real parent. I become a better Mum on days like today.
Plus in the meantime, until I actually believe what I am writing, I find myself forgiving all every time I look down and these eyes look back up at me...
Power on. That's it. Some days are just about keeping going.