Weaning countdown...

I'll be honest. I never intended to be but I am a complete breastfeeding convert. I wasn't anti "breast is best" before I had Euna but I was laid back. I had a very easygoing "if it works out great, if it doesn't I won't punish myself over it" attitude. I don't know where that changed. I don't remember what kept me going through the cracked nipples and rock solid aching boobs. I don't remember consciously saying to myself "I will NOT give up". I just kinda did it.

I give up trying to explain my thoughts and feelings during those very early hormone charged weeks. 

Suffice to say I love breastfeeding. The bond, the closeness, the pride. I love it. Sounds smug, sorry. The thing is I don't think I really believe in the benefits long term. Is Euna now more likely to go to University? Ridiculous, of course not. Long term health benefits? Maybe fractional, but I don't believe they'll be anywhere close to noticeable. It's more I just love it for the now. It feels natural. She does it so beautifully. She looks beautiful doing it. I'm having fluffy feelings just talking about it.

Down side? Well it's making weaning feel like SUCH a bigger step than I anticipated. A wrench. The beginning of the end of our wonderful journey together with breastfeeding. My heart sinks. 

(Side note: I find a new appreciation for the journey a wonderful mummy friend of mine went through with feeding her daughter and when, after she persevered longer than ANYONE halfway sane would have, she went to bottles she was devastated. To her... I get it more now.)

So there's the emotional side and then there's the logistical. I know what I'm doing with breastfeeding. Since it's been established (week 4-ish) there are two modes to feeding; hungry and full. The magical human body took care of everything else for me. Now I need to think about nutrition, balanced diet, choking hazards, food allergies, different foods allowed at different ages, salt/sodium, saturated fat and sugar limits and that's before we ever START thinking about recipes, shopping and cooking. Can I buy an eighth of a mango? Will I be able to think of enough baby friendly meal ideas or will she just end up with carrot sticks for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Further to this on the logistical side... going out! Is this gone are the days of easy outings? Cue tupperware and having to be more selective with where I eat. Never before has been possible for me to forget her food on account of it being strapped to my chest!

Well, ready or not here it comes. Sitting up... check. Putting things in mouth... check. Grabbing food... check. 6 months old... very nearly almost check. This Sunday's the day, we're going to cook a lovely roast dinner. Just the three of us and she will offered broccoli, cauliflower and carrots. Pics, tears and squeal-ey enthusiastic sounds to follow... 

Change and moving forward and living in the now.

I've always had to have a plan. A tick list. I've always needed to be moving forward. Probably the reason why I never imagined myself as a stay at home mum. Because being a stay at home mum (to me) is all about living in the NOW. You're not given a professional development plan. You're not guaranteed an annual pay rise. You don't even get a review where you're told about your performance and where you can go from here. It's all about THAT day. Soaking it up. Everything you do will need to be done again tomorrow at the latest. Infact it will probably need to be tidied, wiped, fed, cleaned or changed six times before tomorrow. So it's not more of a maintenance role than a development one, if that makes sense? I'm not "going anywhere" doing this. I'm just BEING. 

Hence why I would never have seen being home with a baby as something that would suit me. But despite it making NO sense to my personality or former self in any way, it does. That's not me saying I'm a great parent, this isn't a boast post, it's just me saying I'm happy doing it.

So thinking about it with that perspective its ironic in some way to imagine that whilst I am all about being in the moment and enjoying the now little baby A is just change change change. Everyday there's a new trick, habit or interest. It's incredible. Sometimes you watch them doing something new and they're so blasé with it you can only assume they've been doing it longer than that and that you must of missed it! 

We currently have two big changes on the horizon. 

1. Crawling and/or bum-shuffling. She looks equally as ready to start both. I think my money is on crawling but we shall see.

2. Food. In ten days she will hit the 6 month mark and I think she's ready. Saturday she went to put food in her mouth for the first time and in the last two days she's started chewing EVERYTHING.

Change, change, change. Feels weird. Keep thinking once she can move she will be able to chose where she wants to be and once she can eat I get to know her tastes. I guess that's what growing up is. Getting more and more choices. I'm excited... I can't wait to see what she likes, see what she looks like crawling, play more elaborate games on the floor, take her to soft play and watch her face as she tries all the new foods. But it's like I'd rather have it like a chapter selection on a DVD, take a quick glimpse and then skip back to the beginning and grab a newborn snuggle.

Lesson:

Change is ONLY ok when you want it and it seems to come around quicker when you're happy BEING. I guess change that just happens to you should be embraced as readily as change that you make happen. It's going to happen anyway. But take photos before it happens again too quickly.

Trying to inspire a little crawl...

 Savouring the post feed nap cuddles whilst I can...

 Whilst she's stationary enough just to lay on the floor with me...

Frittata Recipe

Happy Bank Holidays! We have an NCT BBQ to go to today and everyone is bringing a dish... I have gone for a frittata. I've never cooked frittata but sounded so easy when I was flicking through a few recipes. I use BBC Good Food website for HUNDREDS of free recipes. You can a folder of your favs and it's great. Here's the recipe for my Ricotta, Tomato and Spinach Frittata and here's the finished product...

Looks nice and colourful! Looking forward to the taste test later...

Work thoughts at bedtime... Warning this may ramble!

We have friends coming over tonight for take away and in preparation I'm getting baby girl to bed early. As usual I've overestimated the time I'm ahead of myself with a sleeping baby in my arms. So I'm just going hold her here a little longer and think...

Work. My first NCT friend goes back to work Tuesday. Amongst my fabulously driven and accomplished NCT ladies I am the only one with no immediate plans to return to work. The topic weighs heavily on our coffee meeting minutes. I can hear myself defending my decision to stay home. I don't think there's any judgement there and overall I am very happy at home for the while.

BUT I like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent and pretty creative. I think that classifies me as someone with something to contribute. The question is WHAT? I have a lot of passions. Dance, drama, writing, teaching, art history, photography... Etc. I know SOME about alot of things. I don't know alot about much though.

So... I was just sat here thinking how being a mum "fits" for me. I love it. I do. I thought I'd be running for the hills by now but I am SHAMEFULLY immersed in my baby bubble. I'm thinking about that "fit". I'm thinking is it realistic to imagine that feeling of "fitting" what you do in a professional role? Is everything I feel as being a mum hormonal or carnal in a "survival of the race" kind of way? Or should I imagine that this feeling should inspire me to find that feeling for a professional role? Is it ridiculously romantic to envisage that could be applied to a JOB? Or (continuing along the shamelessly romantic thread) is that what people find who win Nobel prizes and gold medals and Oscars find?

Silly post really. Just pondering... Work. When my babies run off and leave for school, friends, partners and beyond will I be able to fill that hole? Can anything take up hours in as rewarding a way?

Shit. That's either a terrifying or miserable or exciting thought. Guess it depends how good I'm feeling about my abilities.

Lesson: Nothing conclusive. The topic of work vs home vs mummying will require far more writing, thinking, talking and I am nowhere near motivated enough to start to think about leaving little A.

My girl can sit up!

As can her favourite toy "crunch monkey"...

Recommended read...

I don't want to introduce this or big it up or set the scene in anyway, mainly because I think it doesn't need it and is best read without any preconceptions. But you do NEED to read this. It's potentially the most powerful blog entry I've ever read and deserves air time. So here...

LIES LIES LIES...!

Last week I touched a bit on how Mums can compete and how we can be so emotionally attached to our performance as a parent it can leave us feeling vulnerable etc etc...

Well with this somewhere in the back of my babyfied brain I packed myself and little madam off to a good friends baby shower today. Now I have met a few of these girls there before at said friend's hen-do and wedding so was perfectly happy to chat away with a few of them. Anyway due to Euna being with me and the focus of the day being all things baby you can imagine what much of conversation evolved around.

Long story short there was a girl there who had given birth 8 weeks before me... And do you know what? (What Charlie? Pray tell!) She completely LIED about both her birth story! Unbeknownst to said new Mum a mutual friend had told me about her birth (I don't believe she would have imagined it was a secret). Anyway point being she told a complete fabrication! She told me it only took 3 hours and she pushed for 20 minutes... no mention of the additional 24 hours, the 3 visits to hospital where she was sent home, the 2 HOURS pushing and the intervention!

Now she told me all this just after she had asked me about my birth (must write birth story) failed home birth, nearly 30 hours long of established labour, the resort to drugs (which I had hoped I wouldn't need) and  ALL! Do I disclose all because I am happy with my birth story? NO! My birth was faaaar from what I imagined... suffice to say the champagne that we put in the fridge when my contractions first started took 9 weeks to be opened. But I am honest because it's the truth and I see NO benefit from lying about it.

So this played on my mind. At first I was angry. Isn't this kind of thing what leads to making other Mum's feeling insecure and inferior? Where's the"sisterhood" (cringe I know but for want of a better word)? What's the motivation? Especially as how my birth was (as described to her) FAR from "ideal"!

Then I thought how sad. What a cripplingly emotive thing this child birth fiasco is! Not only is it painful and wrought with worry for our unborn babies BUT also we have to worry about getting through it with dignity and grace. We know we will have to tell the tale a MILLION times for the rest of our lives and we want it to be a good one. We want retell how our bodies blossomed and bloomed and thanks to phenomenal self control we bore our children with little more fuss that a few deep breaths. WELL THAT'S JUST NOT REALISTIC FOR US ALL! Desirable? Yes. Always possible? Of course not. But we're only going to feel WORSE if everyone starts lying about it...

Lesson - Be honest! Because we owe it to each other to tell it like it is. Not put pressure on each other regarding things that mostly are out of our control. My name's Charlie, I didn't dilate, I needed an epidural and someone had to turn my baby to get it out. There. :)