We're home from our Devonshire adventure and regardless of the relentless 28 degree weather my head has switched off summer. Summer end.
It's September. It's Autumn. The season our baby will come. Our baby will be here next month.
Cue my Transformer-esc transition in to Nest-a-tron. A mummy machine built to plan, clean, organise. Stand still too long in this house and I will put you on my iPhone notebook to-do list to alphabetise your ass. I'm on a mission.
It's times like this I realise what a broad skills set you have to possess being a Mum. So yes I'm doing my domestic bit; washing, folding, tidying, de-cluttering, organising. And I'm reading the Marie Mongan Method of Hypnobirthing, analysing how this is going to differentiate from the other forms of hypnobirthing specifically the Katherine Graves book we're focusing on in our classes. I'm researching tandem breastfeeding, talking to breastfeeding counsellors and reading up on how this is going to help the psychology behind sibling jealousy. I'm envisioning daily logistics and attempting to scratch out an image of what my day will look like with two babies. I'm bounce-bounce-bouncing on the birth ball and thinking about optimal resting and sleeping positions for a healthy baby and good positions for birth. There's the budgeting, nursery designing and how am I making a special space in our family home to welcome this new member in to it. I've sewn bunting, painted a cot and, rather irresponsibly, assembled an armchair for nursing. Then at the end of the day I sit here and think "I need to paint my nails..."!
I feel like I've been vibrating my way through the days on a buzz of busyness and 3 constant motivations; 1) I want this to be special so I have to put my whole self in to showing this baby how wanted he/she is 2) WHAT IF EVERYTHING'S SO CRAZY WHEN THE BABY GETS HERE I HAVE NO TIME FOR ANYTHING?!?! SO I MUST BE PREPARED!!!!! 3) As soon as (insert today's obsession) is finished I can kick back and relax.
And I realise I'm caught in one of those hideous self-torturous cycles where I will never allow myself to rest because nothing will be enough. It comes from fear that the reality of having two babies will be too big for me, that I will live my life forever more in a permanent state of feeling overwhelmed...
I won't. I need a mantra that it will be ok, I can do this. Make a cut off point for it all. There does need to be a cut off. A point where the nursery is finished, a point where I know I can't anticipate anymore than I am anticipating.
It's a leap of faith and remembering if there was anymore I could guarantee about what's to come, there'd be no fun in it. Almost no point to living it. Especially if there were to be none of the surprises I am so dreading.
Once again this blog is a space for me to tell myself to breathe. Have faith. Step back. Enjoy.
And whilst I try to calm the buzz... A few more holiday snaps for you...