Trying for a baby...

You'll have to excuse the slight melodrama to this one... I thought about editing it all day... But it's how I felt at the time... So here it is...

Another failed month confirmed today. We didn't have this with Euna. We didn't have to wait. I think I overlooked how lucky that made us at the time. Today I have a better appreciation.

So what is trying for a baby all about?

Counting. Days until you ovulate. Cycle days. Days past ovulation. Days till you're due on. Days for doing the deed... Lots of waiting. Lots of anticipating. Lots of looking at calendars. Counting. Checking your counting. Reinterpreting how you're counting to give yourself another day of hope or to make yourself another day closer to this or that phase.

Waiting. Time is a funny thing. I find myself entirely unable to grab on to a frame of mind and keep it. The way I feel about trying for a baby seems to be fluid and cyclical. Cycles of feelings rotate past milestones of optimism and positivity and round to pessimism and sometimes despair. At times those cycles are minutes long and other times they're days long.

Oddly I feel more contented when I'm feeling pessimistic. I can't be disappointed. I'm stronger in negativity somehow. If I could stop the merry go round I would stop it when my head's in a "I know it's not happened this month" place. But I can't. The feeling comes, I feel secure, then it goes, slips on past. Then I'm in my dreaded "I think I'm pregnant!" frame of mind and I'm scared of the disappointment.

Good part to this journey is how excited it's making me. The suspense is really building. I know how happy I'll be when that second line finally appears. I feel a bubble of baby 2 love building in me and I will honestly be able to say I loved this baby right when it was a twinkle in his/her (I wanted to write "his" there for some reason) Daddy's eye.

Come on baby. We're here. We have so much love in the waiting in the wings, we just need our starring player.

Oh baby girl and don't think we've forgotten about you. So much of this is for you. A sibling. A friend. Someone to get our family in jokes. Someone you laugh about, plot against and manipulate your Dad and I with. Someone to grow old with. You're going love this baby so much too, I know you are.

Tick tock. Day 1. Month four. Bring it.

Only confirmation of failed cycle was later revoked... This one's trouble already! Little pickle... :D :D :D 

Some snaps from the week...