Self-Worth without a Salary...

You know an argument I hear a lot? "My bloody taxes shouldn't be spent on criminals in prisons, so we should bring in capital punishment"...

I don't agree with this statement but it never particularly offended me until now, when I started thinking about the core belief of this statement being that human life has to be validated by a monetary value.

At this present moment in time I produce no income. In fact for two whole years now, save a brief spell of paid photography and blog work, I haven't really brought home any money at all. Now I realise the people making the aforementioned statement don't want to hurl me into gas chamber but they are informing me, my children and my society (if we wanna get big with this) that the decision to be a SAHM (stay at home Mum) has somehow cheapened my self-worth! Hmmm... That neither feels good nor rings true.

Most of the time my resolve to stay at home and focus on my family is concrete (for me, my situation and my family I stress). Occasionally, usually triggered by some other body-image crisis, social boo-boo or bad-day related event, that concrete cracks and I let the "salary/job title = worth/importance of my role" logic seep in. When it does it's serious poison. SAHM kryptonite. And I literally have to get some fresh air and pep-talk myself back to sunnier thoughts about myself.

Enough. I've had this argument with myself for too long. Judged myself, my purpose, my self-worth, and my self-confidence against monetary scales for too long. I don't want a cash sum on my tombstone, so why is the thought of living to a cash sum taking up so much of my headspace?!

So how should I be valuing myself? I came up with a list of questions to ask myself when mid-concrete-cracking in the hope different thoughts and feelings seep in... If I can answer "yes" to a few of these then surely my efforts are going in right direction...

Was I challenged emotionally today?

Do I have standards for my role at home and did I try to meet them today?

Have my children played today?

Do I have a creative outlet and do I practice it regularly?

Am I in some kind of learning curve of any variety (intellectual, physical, emotional...)?

Have my chidden had a learning opportunity today?

Am I proud of something my children did today, no matter how small or even if I've seen it ten times before?

Did I have to problem solve today?

Do I have aspirations for my home and my family and for my role within it?

Did I do the majority of everything today with the best intentions?

Have I made decisions with a wider view of my community in mind today?

Did I want to do my job today?

Were there moments of joy in my role today?

Basically I am asking if I am fulfilled. But "am I fulfilled?" is a far to broad question and anticipating answering that as an unequivocal 100% YES everyday is unrealistic. So I'm going for answering yes to some/most of these. If I wanted to give myself some numbers to target let's say I want to answer 30% of these yes on an ok day, 50% yes on a good day and 75%+... Well I'm high-fiving myself and pouring a glass of performance related bonus juice in the evening!

A little bit about last week in pictures...

Baby Girl Isla Paige...

Here's me trying to work with a little colour... I'm pleased! Eager to try more!

Thinking 30...

I really REALLY wanted to start and finish 2014 priding myself in the fact that I had no melt downs related to turning 30. I was hell bent on solely celebrating this milestone. Not grieving my 20's or beating myself up too horribly for failing to find a cure for the common cold or win a nobel peace prize. I'm 30, I'm healthy, I'm married with 2 beautiful children... Smug smug smug, sipping champagne and far too fabulous to have a turning-30-wobble was how I wanted to ring in my thirties.

Turns out I am not as immune from a third-life crisis as I'd hoped and on Saturday night I had this horrible panic I hadn't done enough with myself to warrant 30 years well spent. A feeling that I haven't done the best I could do. I used to pride myself in being a bit of a jack of all trades (master of nothing)... But now it's bothering me and I don't feel ok about it. And genuinely very uncomfortably not good.

I suspect it's something to do with having two babies, this feeling of what a weighted responsibility that is and what a time constraint that will always be from here on in. I rarely do my weekly supermarket shop in person in favour of online shopping... How on earth will I ever squeeze a career in?!

Part of me is happy for the "hunger" for it but yeurgh... Until I figure out how I'm going to direct it it's not that welcome. Why now too? I never had a second of missing work before now... Why now with a 9 week old newborn and toddler too young for preschool? I do this a lot, like I never officially go on a diet because just the word itself has me instantly jonesing for a bar of Green & Blacks finest.

Hmmm... Thinking and planning ahead...

And what's better for thinking and planning than our new clean living regime... Walking and green food ahoy!

Bow @ 2 Months

I am promising myself that the very next baby photo shoot I do is going to be way more experimental. I need to push boundaries a little more. The thing is I really do love babies against white, on white, wearing white... Mainly because babies don't need anything else. But I will try... Next time. 

So Bow is 2 months. I cried in bed last night because it's all going too fast. I have nothing new to say here... If you're a parent you know what I mean, if you're not (patronising tone incoming) and you're anything like me then you won't really get it. But... Urgh. I hate it. It seriously makes me hideously morbid and I think about how short life is and how fast it's all going and how it doesn't seem to matter how many pictures I take because nothing slows it down.

Well regardless of my feelings here we are arriving at 2 months at lightening speed. He smiles, he laughs, he holds his head for small periods of time, he's just about stopped crying in the bath, hates the car seat, loves lying face down on the middle seat on our sofa, hates loud noises, loves it in his carrier, has just started to really watch Euna and he is giving me a very easy time of it by sleeping through already! HOORAH! 

Baby Girl Erin...

It's baby fever here! So here's one of the new additions... Baby girl Erin wrapped up snug in her Great Grandma's shawl... <3

5 Additions For Your Healthy Eating Meal Plan

For some reason, call it caught up in the New Year good intention euphoria, I am less tolerant of the post baby lbs this time around. Whilst I have confidence they'll go in time if I just focus on being active, eating reasonably and continue to breastfeed, I do actually feel pretty motivated to speed the process up. This does not mean I'd label myself as "dieting" but it does mean I need to reacquaint myself with healthier options when meal planning. Green things... Leafy stuff... Actual cooking as opposed to things that just get loaded on to oven trays... 

So on the off chance any of you out there are equally motivated toward to veg aisle I thought I'd share our menu for last week...

(Note: My husband calorie counted these dishes and they all worked out around 600-800 calories for very generous portions)

Day 1: Thai Red Curry Prawn Risotto 

My own recipe with prawns, babycorn, peas, mange tout, onion, garlic, arborio rice, red Thai curry paste, vegetable stock cube.


Day 2: Spanish Chicken (with Brown Rice)

Recipe here but without the chorizo.


Day 3: Roasted Vegetable and Pesto Pasta

My own recipe with peppers, red onion, courgette, penne and pesto.


Day 4: Squash and Chickpea Curry (with Basmati Rice)

Recipe from a friend with squash, onion, courgette, cauliflower, balti paste, chopped tomatoes and chick peas.


Day 5: Slow Cooked & Roasted Pork Joint (fat cut off) with Red Cabbage and Sweet Potato Wedges

My own recipe and pretty much is as it sounds.

The Spanish chicken...

The squash and chickpea curry...

Happy to post the full recipes and cooking methods for any of these if anybody would like?

Jewellery Making with Pasta

The newborn, the weather, the short days, the toddler nap schedule all appear to be conspiring against us leaving the house the past few days! And when we do it's for something entirely mundane like a doctors check up or baby weigh-in or like yesterday we took my Mum to the dentist. Bleurgh. Boring.

So we're making the most of indoors... Playing with new toys, making the most of Euna's newfound love for crayoning, reading new books, hanging Christmas lights in her little wendy house and experimenting with some new crafty ideas! And here's one of them... Painted Pasta Necklaces! 

It's pretty self explanatory from here... Paint, pasta, string...

Good stuff for finer motor skills...

Lots of opportunities for talking about colours with her, "that's RED Euna!" "where's the blue?" etc...

She did make some excellent artwork on the newspaper...

Fiddly fiddly...

Left to dry...

Probably her favourite part, being let loose on the tap...

Threading, a little frustrating for her but once again all good for the finer motor skills...

Tada!

Hello 2014...

I like New Year. Not so much the Eve, it's too anticipated to ever be that fun. But I like the "new" feeling that comes with January 1st. I like the energy, the motivation and hunger that comes to be and do better. Stuff that would feel like such a chore of any other time of the year comes a lot easier at the beginning of the year. 

Eat better. Move more. Play better with Euna. Find new ways to drink in Bow's babyhood. Get some "Charlie" back. Improve my photography. 

And because it's January I don't feel buried under a sense of duty with it. It's January so I'm all "bring it on". Feels good. Infact everything feels good right now. I feel lucky and charged to enjoy it all. 

Hello 2014... 

Things I'd Forgotten About Babies...

I knew to anticipate the smell, the little finger nails, that soft velvet head... But the real fun has been in the thing I'd forgotten and today Bow and I have been hauled up in bed poorly so there's not been a better time to remember some of them...

Those permanently clutched fists that you can pry open at any given time to find inexplicable clumps of fluff.

When awake, babies never stop moving. Especially their legs which go round and round pedalling imaginary bicycles.

They make so many wet nappies. Not the most welcome rediscovery.

Their fingernails are like paper.

The smell of their milky breathe and how much I love it for some indescribable reason.

How lonely your tummy feels, it was uncomfortable at times but lovely it felt having a little tummy pal with you everywhere you went.

The fact that you don't care about the washing when you get the urge to put a fourth tiny outfit on them that day.

What peaceful company they are when they're contented in the afternoons.

How special you feel when they're in a relatives arms and their head whips around at the sound of your voice. 

Maternity Snaps

My friend Vicki... The day after her due date... She dropped in for a ten minute photo shoot just so she had at least one pregnant picture after months of camera dodging. 

Love that silhouette. I'll never not love that baby bump silhouette. Definitely going to be one of those old ladies who doesn't recognise personal space and just has to touch the baby bump like they own it.